Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Apocolypse is nigh...

The sixth chapter of Revelations introduces the reader to what is commonly referred to as The Four Horsemen. Since the time of its writing, misunderstandings of John the Revelator’s analogies regarding the last days have lead to this prophecy being grossly romanticized in many apocalyptic themed stories and drawings. These four harbingers of doom have grown to encompass all the imagination can conceive regarding the end of times and more. You see, the problem with foretelling the future is that the revelator has only the present with which to draw reference. So whatever John saw that day on the Isle of Patmos was annotated with as much description has he could muster. But when we consider the tendency of nearly every prophet to write in allegory and symbolism, we are left to our own imaginings concerning their true meaning and portent. Until now.

I don’t intend to boast, but I have somewhat deciphered this particular revelation. And frankly, I’m surprised I didn’t realize it sooner. Let me cut to the chase: three of the Four Horsemen have been revealed. They embody all that will bring the downfall of civilization and mankind. They are immortal and they are among us now. You might know them as Barbara Walters, Martha Stewart, and Oprah Winfrey.

Think about it: is there any larger conglomerate of evil operating among us? I think not. Look at the legions of mindless lemmings under their command! Look at the power they wield! Admit it; even you have fallen under their spell from time to time. You may even be at their behest now. Sure, laugh this off. Go ahead and follow the crowd right off the cliff of free thought and leave more room for us rational beings on top of the food chain. But mark my words: when the fourth horseman is revealed, death – or more accurately, Hell – will follow.

I have scoured the recesses of my mind to ascertain whether or not the fourth is already among us, but this knowledge has been kept from me. I would be willing to entertain any one else’s thoughts on the matter. Though be prepared for my rebuttal – I have eliminated many candidates. All lack the sheer power and longevity of the existing three. There are however, a couple points worth discussion:

  • I don’t yet know the significance of the first three Horsemen assuming the guise of a woman. I also would not dare to assume the fourth is likewise a woman.
  • The fact that Walters, the first horseman, may very soon shed her mortality does not escape me. While the Horsemen are in fact immortal, their human guise clearly is not. Either Babs will live forever, or the fourth will rear its ugly head real soon. Either way – yikes.
  • I shouldn’t have to define the qualifications for the existing Horsemen, but for those who doubt, I encourage you to ask. I freely share what I know.


aubrey said...

interesting. i was getting really excited to hear your deep doctrinal intepretation.

..i just listened to barbra walters on npr this morning..she has a new book out.."what is the biggest misconception?"

..and my friends WORSHIP oprah, seriously think she is the end all be all to the future of bringing kindness back into the world. my friend insists that i get this book that she is reading with half of american women..the new earth or something or other. i've never been sucked into oprahworld..i think it's kind of silly all those women nodding emphatically in the live studio audience. it creeps me out.

..and this afteroon when i was at the spa for my treatment, soaking my feet and reading some green, hippy magazine, i stopped and looked at the cover to realize it was a martha stewart spinoff magazine. and these are the thoughts that followed: i have always despised martha stewart..how she says what people should do and they do it or how they should decorate and they do it, instead of thinking for themselves. BUT you have to give her some credit, because maybe people are decorating and baking and cooking better BECAUSE of her. whereas before they would be living in pigstys and eating crap. who knows. and we've done some martha stewart things..built a few shelves from a pattern in her magazine..but still i am resistive of the martha stewart movement.

i'm interested in your fourth..my first thought was that it is billary. but i don't think she holds nearly enough clout as the other three. ..i will have to think about the fourth one.

and really? is barbra walters that old?

Randy said...

Babs IS that old...I think she dated Henry Ford back in college or something.

aubrey said...

and it's spelled barbara. and she dated alan greenspan too. eeeew.

Senor Earl said...

I vote for Hillary also, she only now has to become presidenta.

DAD said...

# 4 is definatly Lord Obamma. Even Opra thinks so, so it must be so.

Randy said...

Billary was disqualified the moment she couldn't maintain a lead on Obamma. If she can't even corral the votes of the rest of societies lemmings, then there's no way she can stand on her own as a Horseman of the Apocalypse. Even if she were to win the Presidency, she just doesn't have "it"...you know?

aubrey said...

to you bad spellers: it's obama.

Aaron said...


I understand it stays with the trend of female talk show hosts which is highly unlikely but, Rosie O'donnell is pure evil in my eyes. Any thoughts?

Randy said...

That is an interesting thought, Aaron, but one I readily dismissed (no offense) the second I considered her candidacy. While Rosie is in fact repugnant, she distinctly lacks that star quality which compels unthinking hordes of civilians towards actions they would not have otherwise considered.

I will admit that for a time, the potential was there for Rosie to mount that last steed of the apocolypse, But she blew it. Same thing happened to Billary.

I am however, currently entertaining the possibility of Miley Cyrus (AKA, Hanna Montana) as the fourth. My aprehension regarding the end of days has so far prevented me from exploring this further.

Randy said...

...Aubrey, dad and I used the two "M" spelling of Obama as a play on words vs Osamma. In other words, on purpose.

Nyaa nyaa. :P

aubrey said...

perhaps you did, but i guarantee dad didn't know what he was doing.